Back to Me
by Alison May
Summary: Martha muses on the doctor and her own unhealthy interest in Rose Tyler.


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Just borrowing.**

**Spoilers: Through the end of series 3. **

**Authors Note: I'm trying something a little different from my usual with this. All comments are very helpful and welcome. **

**Summery: Martha Jones makes a difficult decision. **

**Back to Me **

I've always lived an independent life. I've never been clingy, never depended on others for completion. But that all changed after I met the doctor. I suppose that I am now officially one of those girls who moons after a man who isn't interested. I'm not sure I really care.

The surprising or maybe not so surprising thing is that I'm obsessed with a girl I've never met. Rose Tyler. The doctor loved Rose Tyler, that much I had deduced easily. Whenever I get too close to the doctor he strategically lets her name drop. Rose. It would've been impressive if I hadn't developed a complex. And while I may consider myself extraordinary in some things, falling in love with the doctor wasn't one of them. As near as I can tell, people either loved the doctor or simply hated him. I love him.

And so I started cataloguing every reference to Rose Tyler. At first I was able to think that she was just another companion. Just a friend. But he always betrayed this with the way he talked about her. So sad, and protective of her image. He wouldn't let me in, as if he was afraid to lose her.

I've never asked him questions, not about her at least. I've simply listened carefully. I assumed she was beautiful. Of course I made my mental competition pretty, it made me feel better. But I was always surprised by details of her. For one thing she had a boyfriend, called Rickey. I'd never imagined that this great love or the doctors had a boyfriend. Even the perfect image of Rose can be tarnished, it seems. She has a boyfriend called Rickey, possibly the doctor had even called him "Rickey the Idiot" in an absent way, I'm not ever sure the doctor knows he tells me these things. They just slip out every so often. And the picture of Rose Tyler slowly gains more color, in the most surprising ways.

He misses her, I know that. Right after I started traveling with him, he mentioned that she always knew the right thing to say. Way to make a new girl feel good. But maybe that was the point.

It's interesting that my first image of Rose Tyler was through John Smith. Even as a different person, he remembered her. I have to admit that hurt. I wondered where my page in his story was. Where was the picture of me?

But I saw a glimpse of her. A pretty blonde with big eyes and a bigger mouth. Pretty but surprising looking, somehow. Now the polished, posh, beautiful creature I'd imagined as my competition. And while it was a far from expert sketch, I was struck by how young she looked. She looked like barely more than a teenager. Younger than I am, and I'm not exactly getting on in years. All together, she was not what I'd expected from the omnipresent Rose Tyler, the girl whose absence had left such a large presence in my life.

Yet I still don't know where she is. I don't know why she isn't here. I don't think she's dead—maybe she is dead. She certainly is gone. And I don't think he can find her again—maybe she is lost. Or maybe she did the unthinkable and left him.

However, even with this ghost in between us, the doctor and I travel. He shows me so much and just as I felt that I was making some ground with the doctor, forming some kind of a rhythm, the arrival of Captain Jack Harkness threw my life back into chaos. The only way to describe him is beautiful. He is the most poised man I've ever met. He is absolutely comfortable in every gesture and more than a little sexy. When I first met him, I made an immediate miscalculation. It's not like the doctor introduced us in any proper way. I thought he was Rose's long suffering boyfriend. But I was wrong. He's both more and less then that.

Jack is proof that the doctor's attention span is limited. That being his traveling companion is only a temporary position. In some ways this means more to me than his feeling for Rose do. Am I simply disposable? He is not replaceable to me. Unequal relationships are volatile, I know. I really do know.

Through Jack I learned exactly what had happened to Rose. She is trapped away from the Doctor. Neither of them chose it, the universe did. And unexpectedly I felt a wave of sadness for her. She is gone, can never have what I have right now: the doctor and even Jack. So as we say goodbye to Jack, my decision is made. Jack's departure doesn't affect mine, I can't let it. I'm already gone, and he will be alone.

But even though I'm the one here right now, I can't have what Rose has. She has the doctor's heart. He isn't willing to expose himself again. At least I understand why he's so careful with his emotions. He doesn't want to fall again. Rose Tyler had what I want and I have what she must want more than anything. Rose has his heart but I have him. So instead of settling for this half relationship, this unfulfilled longing, I leave. And hope that some time he'll find his way back to Rose. Or back to me.


End file.
